


Bilbo Shaggins

by VariouslyVaried



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Embarrassment, Good Guy Thorin, Humiliation, Light Angst, M/M, Poor Bilbo, Stripping, Uncomfortable situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 14:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5971183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VariouslyVaried/pseuds/VariouslyVaried
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU. Bilbo Baggins has just finished graduate school and is having the hardest time finding that first job. Add in the mounds of school and other debt that he’s swimming in, and you have one desperate man. Enter Nori, his good friend Ori’s older brother. Bilbo’s always found him a bit shady. He offers Bilbo a job as a male stripper for hire. At first Bilbo is too offended and flustered to even consider it, but Nori says he’s perfect for the job and the pay is great! Bilbo accepts. However, on his way to his first appointment, Bilbo begins to question this decision. What has he gotten himself into?!</p>
<p>This got away from me a bit. It was supposed to be more humor, but it got a little angsty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bilbo Shaggins

**Author's Note:**

> So this story came to me after my brain randomly supplied me with “Bilbo Shaggins! Aw yeah”, and my friend pointed out that it was Bilbo’s stripper name. 
> 
> Also, I love Nori, but for the sake of this fic, he's a bit of a douche. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

Bilbo Shaggins

Bilbo Baggins sat on the sofa at his friend, Ori’s apartment with his hand buried in his hands. He’d been turned down… again. He had a bloody Master’s degree in writing, but no one wanted to hire him because he “lacked experience.” What experience did he need?! You could either write, or you bloody well couldn’t! 

He took a deep breath. There was no need to get worked up about it again. He’d just have to sell his sofa… or a kidney, to make ends meet until he found something. If only the university had been understanding when his mother had fallen ill, maybe then they wouldn’t have taken his scholarship away. But there was no use in wondering about the what-ifs in life. 

Ori came into the room with a tea tray and a grimace. Bilbo was about to question what was wrong, when Ori’s brother, Nori stepped into the room. Bilbo barely suppressed a groan. He found the other man completely despicable. He had no morals whatsoever, and was a bit of a sleaze. Ori said it’s because they had a hard time after their mum died when he was just a kid. That and the fact that he adored his little brother, were the only redeeming factors of Nori’s personality in Bilbo’s opinion.

Nori flopped onto the sofa next to Bilbo, in his space entirely too much. He was staring at Bilbo, his gaze sweeping from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. Bilbo squirmed uncomfortably. “What?!” He asked shortly.

Giving a short nod, Nori stopped leering. “Little bro says you're hard-up for money.” 

“Nori!” Ori exclaimed, outrage at his brother’s lack of tact. 

While Bilbo spluttered for words, Nori waved off his brother’s offense. “Hush, don’t mean nothing by it. I’ve actually got a proposition for you. A job, if you’re interested.”

Bilbo frowned at this. He couldn’t imagine that any job Nori was offering would be savory. “Yes?” He asked cautiously.

A slow smirk appeared on the other man’s face. “Have you have considered being a stripper?”

Choking on air, Bilbo began spluttered once more. This time in indignation and horror. “What?!” He asked in a strangled voice.

“You know, taking your clothes off for money!” 

Standing in a hurry, his face red, Bilbo turned to face the other man. “I know what stripping is! And no! I have not, nor will I ever consider stripping!”

“Shame that, you’d be perfect for the job I’m thinkin’. Money’s good too.”

Gritting his teeth and balling his fists, Bilbo turned on his heel, heading for the door. “I’m sorry, Ori, but I have to go. Thank you for the tea.”

Ignoring Ori’s calls for him to stop, Bilbo stormed out of the apartment. He stood in the hallways a moment, trying to calm his breathing. Him, a stripper? He knew Nori was a little touched in the head, but that was going too far. 

As Bilbo made his way home, he couldn’t get his mind off the proposition from Nori. Had the other man been serious, or was he just pulling his leg? Surely, it was just a joke. He couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to see him take his clothes off. He wasn’t exactly fit, and he was quite short. He looked a down at himself in self-depreciation. Yeah, no one would enjoy a show from him.

Still, Bilbo thought as he entered his apartment and saw the pile of bills waiting for him, it couldn’t hurt to make sure he wasn’t joking. 

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

This was a bad idea, Bilbo thought to himself as he approached his client’s door. Oh God! His client! He felt like a prostitute. He knew there was no actual sex involved, but it was still all so… intimate! He looked down at the portable stereo in his hand. He felt ridiculous. What was he thinking? He couldn’t go through with this. 

Bilbo was about to turn around and leave, when the door opened. A hulking bald man with tattoos on his head stood in the doorway with his arms crossed. Bilbo froze like a deer in headlights. Suddenly the man gave an almost predatory grin. “I told Nori he’d liked ‘em cute, but I had no idea he’d deliver.” 

A small squeak escaped him as Bilbo was tugged into the room by the much larger man. As they stopped in the foyer, the big man looked Bilbo over again. Bilbo cleared his throat and shifted his feet. “So, uh, w-where’s the lucky f-fellow?” He asked, and cringed at the words immediately.

The big man chuckled. “No need ta be nervous, lad. We won’t bite ye. Thorin’s in the other room. He’s got no clue what’s coming. He’s just turned 40, and he never has any fun.” The man shook his head at the thought of his friend. “I’m sure Nori told ye what he likes?”

What he likes? Was he supposed to do something besides take his clothes off?! Bilbo shook his head. The big man sighed in frustration. “Well, it’s pretty simple really. Thorin likes his men cute.” He gestured a Bilbo. “That much is covered. He likes ‘em sweet, smart, and a little innocent with a secret wild side.” He raised a brow at Bilbo. “Think ye have it in ye?”

Bilbo only nodded, and then he found himself being ushered into the next room. Suddenly, he was bombarded by loud catcalls and wolf-whistles. His heart was thundering in his chest as he took in the room full of men. His eyes fell on the man that was practically being shoved into a chair by his friends. That must be Thorin. His blue eyes were cold as they glared at the big man next to Bilbo.

Said man patted Bilbo on the shoulder, and then left him standing in front of everyone by himself. He’d never felt so exposed in his life, and he hadn’t even taken off his clothes yet! He shakily set the stereo on the ground and pushed the play button. The loud music made him jump.

“Aw, just look at him. Skittish as wee bunny!” The comment came from a man with funny mustache and weird hat. 

The others laughed, and Bilbo felt his face flush with embarrassment. He tried to ignore them and looked up at Thorin, whose gaze had softened as watched Bilbo. “You don’t have to do anything.” He said softly so only Bilbo would hear. 

A lump in his throat prevented Bilbo from responding, so he only shook his head. He could do this! Raising shaky hands to his buttons, Bilbo began to gyrate his hips to the music like Nori had shown him. At the sound of more calls, Bilbo was sure he’d die of humiliation. His heart felt like it was trying to pound through his chest, and he felt extremely light headed. 

Despite his shaking hands, Bilbo was able to get the shirt unbuttoned, but he hesitated as he went to take it off. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he quickly tore the shirt from his body and wrapped it around the back of Thorin’s neck. He tried to tug the other man closer, but instead ended up stumbling, ungracefully landing in the other man’s lap. “B-Bilbo Shaggins, a-at your service.” 

The others’ laughter flooded his ears, but was soon drowned out by the sound of his own blood rushing through his body. His entire body was on fire from humiliation. How could he have said that?! Quickly extracting himself from Thorin’s lap, Bilbo grabbed his shirt before fleeing the room. He’d made it to the stairwell before he realized that tears were burning his eyes. 

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Thorin glared at his friends as the door slammed behind the poor man. They’d settled down and some of them looked ashamed, others down right shocked. “Are you lot proud of yourselves? That young man was obviously scared out of his wits, and you just egged it on!”

Bofur had taken his hat off and was wringing it in his hands. “We didn’t mean anythin’ by it, Thorin. I thought it was part of his act.” He looked down in shame. “I hope he’s alright.”

Dwalin was staring at the door in shock. “Nori said he was just was what we were lookin’ for. I thought he was at least experienced.”

“Nori? Dammit, Dwalin!” Thorin grabbed the stereo from the ground, turning the music off. “You better hope I can find him, and he’s alright.”

With those words, he left his shamed friends and went in search of the young man. Luckily, he didn’t have to search far. The man was sitting on the top step of the stairs, his face buried in his knees. Thorin’s heart sank when he heard the sniffles. 

“Are you alright?” 

The other man jumped and then gave a self-depreciating laugh when his eyes fell on Thorin. “Oh yeah, just having a little pity party here.” He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes. “Just hoping it gets better than this, and that all my hard work in school wasn’t a waste.” 

Thorin gave him a soft smile before joining him on the step. “It does. The first couple of years after Uni can be hard, but eventually, it gets better.” He patted the man on the knee. “I’m guessing this wasn’t part of the plan?”

Another harsh laugh sounded as the young man shook his head. “No, this was an act of desperation.” The sound of a phone ringing cut off Thorin’s reply. The other man looked at his phone and groaned. “And that’s Nori. Probably calling to torture me further!”

Thorin laid his hand over the other’s before he could answer the call. “Just leave it. Nori isn’t worth your time.” 

He snorted. “You’re right. He’d probably make this already horrid night worse.” 

“Join me for a drink.” Thorin said suddenly. The young man looked up at him with wide eyes. “I mean, if you want. See if we can’t turn this night around for the better?”

The other man hesitated for a moment before nodding. He smiled, and Thorin knew he was done for. “Sounds great. Thank you.”

Thorin helped the man stand. “Oh, I didn’t get your name.”

The man’s face turned red all the way to the tips of his ears. “B-Bilbo Baggins.”

Realizing the connection to what he’d been told earlier, Thorin barely contained his laughter. “It’s nice to meet you Bilbo.”

Bilbo glared. “The stripper name wasn’t my idea. Nori thought it would be perfect.”

As he held his arm out to Bilbo, Thorin thought that there were many things perfect about this night and the young man next to him, but Bilbo Shaggins was not one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it turned out a little bit more angsty than intended, (not to mention cheesy at the end lol), but I hope you all enjoyed!


End file.
